xosuitehearts

Have you ever felt like the only way to take away the pain; the everlasting misery that resides in all of your insides and simmers and sparkles but never leaves you until it sucks all of you away...? That feeling that I'm a nobody and there won't ever be a somebody, but all of that times 10? I do every night. I have to tire myself out to switch to my unconsciousness, there's never a peaceful night within my mind. It feels a trainwreck except it hits your stomach then your face next.

Sometime the only way I sleep okay is with a pill in my stomach.

There was one time in my life before that I felt like this. I've felt my heart break many times. Each time it felt less and less harmful, or should I say "tear"ful. Now it just sits and simmers like water in a teapot, and bubbles just bubbles away... if I had wanted to be compared to anyone or be criticized I would aimed higher than people who spend their time lurking onto my profile to correct my spelling, ideas, judgement, etc.. sadly enough I have no one who wants to stick up for me besides "me". But what never occured to me was, "what are they feeling? To feel so bad to try and make me as miserable as they are, on a day to day basis?"
I guess I don't mind it anymore. As long as I can someone else truly feel better about themself, perhaps laughing at my own disrespect towards myself, then I believe I am okay with that..

I'm not going to run and hide this time. Oh no, not this time. This time I want to be open, as open as a book, and perhaps as open as my own body after an autopsy. I've been ridiculed and embarrassed to the point where now, I'm going to take it... But, I will warn you, for every action you do, everything you say, it will come back to you. This time it won't be by my doing...

Just wait. Just listen. The winds are talking and so is karma.

Big crocodile tries to eat Smittie!

just for a week? I'd probably get a picture of the Crocodile from Peter Pan eating Captain Hook on my waist, and No, I wouldnt want to get it permanently. ahahahaha

FALL OUT BOY @ BHAM LG ARENA

Definitely Fall Out Boy, and simply because they are my idols and they just are all around awesome.

Here he is ladies and gentlemen; here's the boy who's down on himself more than you can ever expect. This is the very same boy who puts himself so low.

Fuck my Birthday Party... Things have been pretty shitty. I got everything I wanted but sadly... All my other friends bailed out on me, except for my friend Cody... I couldn't believe how I could become so easily sold out and never seen back again... I don't feel right. My mind is a mess and nothing seems to be cleaning it up... Things are only seeming to snowball.

I think for the most part things are at a silence, like almost a depression of noise and events I turn 18 in only a few days and I still feel like I'm a 17 year old with a bad case of angst and depression, not to mention a tad bit of drama. I guess happy fucking birhday to you Alex. I've been really thinking, and I've been sort of looking back on somethings I said I'm gonna change and I'm making some progress slowly but surely, that doesn't mean I won't get sad but I'm getting better about being more positive it's hard but I'm working on it. I'm working on going back to writing as my outlet for my depressive thoughts and feelings it's been a while since I've put it to good use and made some art out of it. But I'm gonna do it.

Wish me luck

I think. I think. I think. I'm just a robot in a laboratory, and my circuits are running haywire over all the streets and all the lights went down in my favor but only to catch me when I'm blind. Nothing speaks to me anymore like a mediocre sweep on a dirty floor, all you kick in my face is dust and dirt, did you really think i gave in to vaccume stories?

I feel so depressed in the way I'm afraid of losing someone special to me. and I know I know it's not really logical or understandable bcusni already knnow how you feel :)

I really haven't had a whole lot to post about. I either post random shit or just regular bs. I haven't had the right things to post in a while. Tonight was one of my best nights that I've ever had with friends. We all sat around a nice propane fueled fire roasting marshmallows and making smores telling everyone my stories of being at Myrtle Beach. It was a laugh. I'll never forget these memories. Just like all the times you go outside and expect your day to be shitty, it completely turns around to be something beyond what you wanted. I never will forget it. I still feel like I've got a hole in my chest where I once had skin.

Yeah it's all coming back on me... Sometimes I think I forget that just because I'm human doesn't justify my mistake making as perfectly fine because it's not. I think I took to much advantage of it and felt like my escape was through having double standards. In the end it has ruined me. It's like Karma got mad and decided to bite me when it had rabies, making the offspring of a love drunk teen who got kicked out of the pub. It's all on me. I don't know sometimes with how I've created things...I've had epiphanies and other moments I've had symphonies of dread and absolute blind streaks of wanting to sweet talk all the girls and be cared for...

In the end. I fucked up. Look where it's got me. I think it's time I came to put that part of Me away and stick to just enjoying life...the best way I can. I guess it really proves I'm going through my teen years... I need to shape up.